Not a very funny title this time o-o Not that they usually are...XD;I just like mooses, mostly. Mooses? Moose? Moose. I just like moose.

I still feel pretty shittastical, but that is IRRELEVANT. My suicidal tenancies and longing to get hit by a car or perhaps OD on Tylenol aside, I have been pretty okay..still volleying on my relationships. Just..all of them. But GOD MELLZ ENOUGH OF THAT JUJU MAGUMBO.

You all have heard way more than enough on my stupid-ass life -3- ASS LIFE. *Butt*

SO I AM ASKING how are all of YOUUUU? Tell me about what's happened lately! I do not keep up with shiz because I am a tres fail D: So POST A COMMENT where I will be forced to ogle your life. Also I am so all up in Facebook now because I CRACKED UNDER THE PRESSURE that my pa was setting on me. *Snort* My dad on facebook, can you believe? RIDICULOUS. Ahahaha. Dick. >>

NO I SWEAR I'M NORMAL DON'T GO AWAY D: Arggghhhh *Chases after you frantically* LOOK I MADE YOU COOKIES *heavy breathing*

Okay I'm done NO I'M NEVER DONE. *Brick'd* Kayz.

I HAVE been watching ~Criminal Minds~ lately. IT IS SO INTENSIVE. And it's so what I wanna do with myself. I like..I like Hotcake-Hotchner. And. Reid. THEY ARE SNUGGLE MUFFINS. I luffers them. AND GIDEON TOO omg. And Morgan ONLY COS HE TACKLES SOMEONE like every FIVE SECONDS. Like seriously gaiz. It's so totes his job. TOTES. I SAID IT. IT MEANS TOTALLY. KEEP. UP. Gawd. *Hand flip of total rejection*

NO wait I have to speak words. I'm on CROSS COUNTRY now because I am an amazing human being. I forgot if I told you or not. SO I'M TELLING YOU. Again. Maybe.

Anyway I ran my first RACE last Wednesday. HOLY MOTHER OF GAWD IT HURT LIKE BLEEP D: I do not know WHY people STRIVE to do that shiz. Like marathons. WHY? I only ran 3 miles and I nearly FELL OVER. My body was like srsly numb. BUT THAT IS NOT WHY I'M TELLING YOU. I am telling you because some fat bitch is such a dickhole to me >: YES DICKHOLE. But ya. She's soooo condescending. And I hate her. And--this is the good part--despite the fact that I kinda like her and sometimes she makes me happy (sometimes) and stuff, I decided she made me mostly upset and I ACTUALLY STOPPED TALKING TO HER. Like I broke off a relationship. ISN'T THAT AMAZING. I THINK IT'S SWELL.

PROGRESS. It's happening.

*Slips on shades like a BEAST*

A beast which can't actually wear sunglasses cos how do they put them on, gaiz? How do they put them on? With their opposable thumbs that DON'T EXIST??!! Okay so monkies can wear them I guess. BUT WHATEVZ. I am way cooler than gorillas. Maybe not those squirrel monkies, though. Those buggers are fabulous. NO YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. Go google them. Right the fuck now. No Diane (that's your new name) I do not CARE if you know what they are. GOOGLE THEM ANYWAY. Or a baby duck. I LIKE GOOGLE THOSE AT SCHOOL. Everyone else is doing the assigned project. LIKE CONFORMISTS. But I'm a unique little snowflake who stands out whilst I google ducklings. But then the teacher takes away my computer privileges and I am sad D: He is just INSENSITIVE and doesn't get me..yo. *Weird 'gangsta' hand gestures*

I SO HAVE MORE TO SAY but I will HIT YOU UP with that crap later

Also if anyone has facebook let me know ohohohoho because I am a stalker creep

Button, o button, o where hast thou fled?
Didst thou tarry too long amongst fabric and thread?
Didst thou roll off my bosom and cease to exist?
How I wish I could follow thee into the mist.

That was..Snape...because I think he's a cutie...haha...
I've plummeted into a spiralous fit of depression..I just had to make up a word to describe it...spiralous...that's how bad it is...and I know I've dumped a lot of depression on you people right now..forgive..!...it'll be the usual "me" soon enough...haha, promise...

I don't want to bore you all with my...boringness..I just wanted to say I still am here from time to time...Rui-Rui whined at me to get on dA more..so here I am...in all my sunshine and glory..

My friends..are serving to make me miserable...
I hate them..
I need them..
I want them gone...
But I can't get enough...

God I am a fucking masochist...

Ahaha..shit...guys, please..just please ignore this...I don't want to cause anyone trouble..I just need to vent a bit..please..

Someone's mad at me...or something..she says she's not..but she is...she is...I know she is...she lies..she lies all the time...and she's a terrible liar...she guilts me..I feel it...I know...and she denies it..but it's there..it's always there...she tries to make me do things I hate..I HATE...I...they drive me crazy...I cried for weeks..but she wants me to do them again..again...and I can't..I can't..but she won't accept no for an answer..she gets upset with me if I don't..she ignores me...but that's just how it is I guess..we're exactly the same person..I swear it...only I'm the one who sees it...I'm the one who notices...the hypocrisy sickens me...makes me gag, the whole stinking mess..how dare I push her to do something she doesn't want? And then, how dare I not do something for her that I detest to such a wretched degree that I loathed her very being because of the bane she brought on me?
MV was mad at me...mad that I might be moving on in my life..but he's over it..we worked it out..but he's still the bleakest thing I know..
I started speaking to someone again..and god knows I love 'em...I do...but sometimes...they say something...and I want to kill myself..so much..and it's not out of anger..it's out of this deep-seated feeling of worthlessness...what a wretch she makes me out to be...a godawful fuck...am I really so terrible?... I don't think I am...does she exaggerate?...I do try...but apparently my efforts are in vain..I believe her every time she tells me I'm so vile...why would she lie? She cares about me..and I care about her...we wouldn't lie to each other..it must be all my fault..from here on out, it's all my fault..I might as well accept it...I LOVE YOU...Christ Jesus...I can take the blame..

I AM SO SICK...of everything...BEING MY FAULT...people..people get shit in their lives..I understand that..and they COME TO ME...they tell me to fix it...I CAN'T. I don't know how...they get mad at me..I stand by idly and they get mad at me...I give them my opinion and they get angrier...I suggest advice and they reject me...what's the point? Honestly..
Because they get picked on..or get blamed for everything...they come to me..they pick on me...they blame me...they make me do what THEY want. Now is THEIR time. And that's just how it's gonna be...

WHAT A USELESS FUCK I AM

One day I'm gonna snap..I swear to God I'm gonna snap...I'll be used in such a manner one too many times...and I know I dish out my fair share of shit..I won't deny it...I can't deny it...I know it...but at least I admit it..

People guilt me for feeling sad...I..I am hurt by something they say...and then I tell them how it makes me feel..and they turn it on me...how DARE I feel like that..how DARE I not bend to their will...how DARE I not do exactly what they say, and feel exactly what they feel...

How should I feel?

I FUCKING LOVE YOU ALL
BUT LOVE JUST ISN'T ENOUGH

*Heavy sigh; pinches the bridge of her nose* Okay, gaiz. I'm sorry. I'm better now. Loads. Phew. Thanks. Ah ha. NOW WATCH. This is gonna be funny. WATCH. Watch how I..I pour out my feelings...how I sob for a little peace..a little period where nothing has to be wrong...and WATCH THEM BLAME ME. Ahahaha it'll happen. IT ALWAYS DOES. They don't understand how much I..I fuckin' CARE...they think I'm this cold emotionless bitch...maybe I'm just a REALLY GOOD ACTOR...but no. No no no. Just watch. I'll get a bunch of overreactions to this. Maybe not on dA, but in real life. They'll bitch out at me. They will. I have no faith. My faith is shot. And they'll be angry for that, too--"Mello, it really hurts that you don't trust I care about you. Why do you always have to say I don't care about you? Why do you always have to make me seem like I'M the one at fault?" I expect that from a certain someone...a certain someone who probably doesn't know who they are...and baby, if you think it's you, it's not. It's really not. You continue to watch West Side Story. Have fun with that. Eheh.

Sooo yeah. School sucks. My friends suck. I'm fawning over a guy because I crave attention from someone who ISN'T a fuckhead..not fawning like romantic...fawning like a twisted fascination...mind you...

But yes. Maybe I really SHOULD be a hermit..quit logging on...I always say I will, but I don't..and I always regret it..it's like breaking up over and over...and it's not rational. And I know it isn't. And I see myself. I'm like, "Mellz, why you do this to yourself? Why you hurt yourself like dis? Yo dawg?" And I do it ANYWAY because I'm just a dumbass--haha. It's like continually patting a wolf that bites your hand off. BUT THE WOLF IS SO CUTE. Maybe just one more pat.........

The song below's by Alan Jackson...It just reminds me of my mum...it meant something to me and I felt magically compelled to share it. Because I'm just cool that way. My father made me listen to it and it was kinda funny cos at the end we were both crying We're awesome like that I guess.
The title of the journal is the date she passed.
Thanks to everyone for the support.
~~~
Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

Okay yeah I need to stop cap...s...ing... my journal headers. SHUT UP.

Anyway yeah, had like, a seizure or something and put up a goal journal ([link]). And I don't...whatever. But the point is, I decided I need goals, too. GOOD GOALS. That don't...you know.....suck. And ones that are ACTUALLY IMPORTANT TO MY LIFE. Like, HEALTHY. And...making me like...a better person.

SO. Shut up this is so happening. SRSLY. YOU. GAIZ. Srsly you gaiz. SRSLY. Ssssrrrsssslllyyyyy.

Short-term Goals
The Ones Starting and Ending Today!
- Make this goal list. Check.
- Ditch my crap friends. Like I need to if I don't want to end up a felon...the crime being I stabbed all these people in the face. Okay ya I say they're my friends, but they're really, really not. I like..hate. All of them. I'M PICKY OKAY. They're all stupid douches who..who ignore me, or are rude to me, or insult my characters for no flippin' reason, or RANDOMLY DECIDE THEY'RE CROSS WITH ME, or are just...just STUPID. I mean COME ON. COME ON! COME ON. Where am I finding these friends?? "Stupid Douchebags Incorporated"? ...I would so buy something from there. But ya. I like, get mad at these people and then draw them dying. OR maybe myself dying of their stupidity. But then adults freak out. Cos they read too deep. I draw like, a baked potato and they have an aneurysm and pop a blood vessel and sign me up for counseling. Anyway yeah, I've got like, two (that's 2) friends who I would help move. And that's like..if anyone's ever done that before, it's gross. So if you help a friend move, you like, love them. IT'S AN INDICATOR DON'T MESS WITH IT.
- Do the dishes. THIS IS A REAL GOAL FOR ME.
- Stop getting on AIM all the time. Except to talk to Waffles. And Nami.
- Cut out MSN completely. NO ONE IMPORTANT IS THERE.
- Get a life

Intermediate..term Goals
The Ones That Take Little Time But I Am Doing Repeatedly!
- Jog a mile every day. WHY? Because I want to.
- Clean my house. HOW CAN I STAND TO LIVE IN THIS SQUALOR?
- Continue to not talk to my crap friends who I hate.
- Write at least a page of my darling dearest Severs (AKA Vash) at least...every day.
- Eat healthier! Because..Yeah!
- Retain my life

Long-term Goals
The Ones That Teachers and Parents Want to Hear About!
- Get straight A's next year in school. I AM SO TIRED OF THIS MEDIOCRITY.
- Keep my house clean. COMPLETELY. Like, no dishes. WHICH I'M DOING TODAY. *Goal'd*
- Find people besides Nami and Matt (And Waffles and maybe one other person who I haven't decided yet) who I like....caaaaaare about. CARE. *Hyperventilate*
- Finish at least a giant chunkazoid of my novel. THAT I'M WORKING ON. Because I'm cool. BUT when I get to the end I'm gonna have to re-write the beginning cos I'll go back and realize I've grown as a writer and I HATE THE START. So. THESE THINGS HAPPEN.
- Get. Laid. Boo-ya.
- Succeed in building my life

So that's like, all I can think of right now. AT THIS POINT IN TIME. While I am being skittish in my household, still. ALSO regarding my friends...I would totally of ditched them by now but IT IS SO HARD. If I don't talk to you on AIM, I like, still like you. Don't WORRY. Especially you gaiz, , , and . AND OTHER PEOPLE I FORGOT. And if I forgot you, well, then...maybe you should reply to my journals. More. AND I should reply to your journals more, too. SO LIKE TELL ME IF I DON'T REPLY. But wait, since you don't reply to my journals, you'll never see this. SO THE POINT IS MOOT.

RIDEWARRIOR I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE OR WHEN I EVEN STARTED WATCHING YOU but hi. You've RESPONDED TO MY LIFE the past couple of journals. That is all I ask from you gaiz. Only I don't even ask that. BUT it's a nice surprise. I like...look forward to hearing what you have to say. It's EERIE you make me unselfish. ...Well, that is, CARING about what other people have to say. ABOUT THEMSELVES. *Deep breath* Hi.

KORUME you like haven't been on much in FOREVER but I MISS YOUUUUU and I don't have a real reason. GUH! Yay. I CHECK FOR YOU WHENEVER I REMEMEBER WGFAREG ASFEAGWEGFAER LOVEEE

BETWIXTWORLDS YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE only not really cos that's...pretty gay. BUT I love our conversations. THEY'RE AWESOMETASTICAL. Ya. Sex-eh. I luff that you've like, RESPONDED to my INANE RANTS of STUPIDITY. Also, I like Zack, so...pancakes.

KOKONATTNOERGOWEDGSRGF-CREAM. YOU have a long-ass name. YES. Yes. Yus. I LOVE. I miss you, too. YOU ARE SUCH AN AWESOME POSSUM. Which reminds me I have a raccoon living in my backyard. IT IS TRES FABU-LAY. Which is FRENCH for fabulous. ...WHAT. It is! *Is not*

ANYWAY YA if any of you gaiz ANY OF YOU GAIZ have AIM or sumfing, LET ME KNOW. Or even MSN. I WOULD GET ON IT FOR YOU. You being "anyone who reads this". I WOULD. I SWEAR. Cos I love you dA people ): You're not all STUPID DOUCHE-ASSES. And...and YES. Those. THIS. These. Thems. THEM.

...

SNEAKER!

-- XOXO Mellz

GOD. I'm writing this to like...get the other one off my page. Because it is le DEPRESSING. And I can't have le depressing things on my page because I am not FRENCH. French people are tight, though. I DON'T GET WHAT EVERYONE'S BOGGLE IS. They're all "I HATE FRANCE" and I'm like "WHAT IS YOUR DEAL." and they're all "MAH." like THAT makes a flippin' difference.

...

Wat.

ANYWAY my bestest buddy is like...getting the world's longest haircut. EVER. I don't even...dudes it's been like five hours. I mean what the hell. She better have like...a perfect replica of Elvis sculpted out of those tangles of hers ]< I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. There's sauce on my table. I wonder what it is. I think I'm gonna lick it, gaiz. I have to know..

Crap it's Sesame Chicken sauce from that Chinese place. That's foul. Shiiiit. DON'T LICK FOREIGN SUBSTANCES OFF YOUR TABLE. Under normal circumstances I would love all over that stuff. But that there bitch has been on my table for like, two days now. WHY AM I SO GROSS. Yuck. Just...ah! Ew. EW.

...Now that that mystery's been solved...I'M A REGULAR NANCY DREW. ...NANCY EW. I solve gross mysteries that no one else wants to touch with a 10 foot pole!

Everyone Else: *Touches with a 10.1 foot pole*

CUT THAT OUT. ]<

I IS SO ALONE. This is like, my time of the three months. YES. It is the time where I feel the need to freak myself out. So I like, travel around the media searching for ~*creepy stuff*~ to spazz over. It's sick. I'm such a masochist. O lawd. Then I start like, seeing stuff in my house. IN MY HOUSE. And so NOW everyone got together and like, held a convention or something. And was like, "SO YA LET'S BAIL ON MELLZ IN HER TIME OF FEAR." and they all walked off laughing to get Very Berry ice cream or some bull and LEAVE ME TO STEW IN MY OWN RETARDEDNESS. It's a conspiracy.

...

I've had too much sugar today.

zcgewfwasgsWHY IS SHE STILL NOT DONE GETTING HER HAIR CUT. RRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! *Runs in circles and pulls out hair* I'M SO ANGRY I COULD eat fried chicken. *Is not very menacing* Fuck. FUCK. I bet she like, saw a movie or something. Or caught a film. WAIT those are the same thing. I MEAN WENT SHOPPING. And didn't bring her phone to call and let me know. Because she hates me. And I'll be all "WHERE WERE YOU HISSSSSSSS" and she'll be all "Chill out, nerd. I was out." And I'll be all "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL." and she'll be like "I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE DUH" and I'll be like "WELL WHY NOT" and she'll be like "Because it's not charged." and I'll be all "WHY THE HELL NOT." and she'll be like "...I dunno." and get ANGRY if I press the matter. OR GASP WAIT I bet she's like, crying in her room cos she got a crappy 'do, and she's all "I'M SO ASHAAAAMEEEDDD" and is like, blasting Linkin Park and Nickelback because she has no way to express herself. BECAUSE NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THE HARDSHIPS SHE'S BEEN THROUGH. God. CRAWLING IN HER SKIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL.

ANYWAY my other crap friends are like, FAILING all over the place. AS USUAL. I mean god. Mr. Angst Bucket was like, NOW IS THE TIME TO HAVE FRIENDS and ABANDONED me to go hang out with his DWEEB PALS. And I'm just like "...Ch'ya." COS I PLAY IT COOL. But ya whatever it's nice he has friends don't get me wrong. I'm just BLABBING. Anyway, my other friend is just like, NO MELLZ. I HATE YOU. GET OUT OF MY LIFE. And I don't even get it. I DON'T. EVEN. GET IT. She's like, off talking to her other friends all "MORE TEA MR. GRUMPY-BOTTOM?" and I'm just like...

WAT

Because she's not upset with them. OH NO. Just me. FOR REASONS. UNBEKNOWNST. TO MYSELF. But whatever. She does that. Like, I thought we were cool BUT IT WAS LIES. She doesn't do it as much anymore. AND I LOVE HER. And I know I like, am being super hypocritical by like, ranting on dA when I don't like people doing it about me, but I HAD A REASON for this once and I forgot my excuse. THE POINT IS. I'm not exaggerating my case. I'm SIMPLY STATING WHY NO ONE IS TALKING TO ME.

God I need new friends

BUT YA GAIZ. I don't expect comments to SAVE ME FROM MY BOREDOM. Well I do. IT WOULD BE SWELL. Swimmingly swell. COS I AM A SWIMMINGLY SWELL, SUAVE, SUPER, AND SEXILY SCRUMPTIOUS SIMPLETON. Only without the simple part. That just like...tied in with the..the thing I was doing there......

PEACE OUT HOMEDOGS.

...If you were hotdogs, I would eat 'choo |:

-- XOXO Mellz